Telling someone you have herpes without fear

You're scared of the look on their face. The judgment, the harsh words, the rumors afterwards. Here's the strange part: that fear is the one piece of disclosure you actually control.

The fear of telling someone you have herpes is one of the most common things people bring to me. It has either kept them from dating at all, or they've had one bad experience and never want to feel it again. Part of me completely understands. Another part of me almost wants to brush it off, because of everything that can happen when you bring up herpes, their reaction is the least of your concerns.

Here's why, where the fear really comes from, and how to stop carrying it into every date.

Prefer to watch? This guide is based on my video above.

What's in your control and what isn't

Some things in dating are out of your hands. A great person you really like might hear about your diagnosis and say, "No thanks, I don't want to date you." That's out of your control, and honestly, it sucks. If that happens to me with someone I'm excited about, I'll be crying a little on the inside too.

What is in your control is how much someone's harsh reaction gets to you. And this is where it gets counterintuitive. If someone calls me a dirty, disgusting person who slept around, that doesn't hurt the way people expect. If anything, it makes walking away easier, because someone who calls you names over a common virus doesn't seem like a good person to date anyway. You're not missing out on them.

Yet that's exactly the reaction most people are terrified of. The face they'll make when you say the word, like you just told them the boogeyman is real. So why does that particular fear have such a grip?

Why you're really scared of their reaction

You're afraid their reaction will confirm what you believe about yourself.

Think about all the things about you that other people might not like, which you'd never take personally. Say you're a single mom. Some guy might not want to date you because you have kids. But you love your kids. You're not ashamed of them. Your story is simple: you had kids, the relationship didn't work out, and now you're a single mom, and that's totally fine. So when he says no, it doesn't wreck you.

Or say you're religious, and someone tells you they'd never date anyone of your faith. You think, "Okay, we're not compatible," and you move on.

Now compare that with herpes. You love your kids, but you hate your diagnosis. That's the difference, and that's the opening people use against you. If you already call yourself nasty, damaged goods, someone being punished, someone who'll be alone forever, and then someone out there says those exact things back to you, it lands like proof.

Someone confirming what you believe only hurts when it's what you believe.

What story are you telling yourself about having herpes?

Be honest with this one. What does having herpes mean to you? That you're the town slut? That you made a mistake, or were careless? That you went against what God wanted? That you're disgusting? That only a certain kind of person gets this?

Here's the only story I tell myself. I had sex and I got a virus. It's HSV-2. That's it. I don't care whether it's HSV-1 or HSV-2, and I don't care whether someone was a virgin or has slept with a thousand people. Almost every person on earth has a biological drive to have sex, so I don't attach any shame to how I got it. When someone says something harsh to me about herpes, it bounces off, because it doesn't confirm anything I believe.

The sooner you rewrite your story into something like this, the sooner the fear of their reaction loses its grip:

"I have this virus. It was passed to me through skin-to-skin contact, most likely from something most of the planet is actively pursuing on Tinder at 2 a.m."

Once that's your story, herpes stops being a verdict on your character. It becomes what it is: a normal possibility of dating.

Their reaction is to herpes, not to you

Here's a more practical question to ask yourself before your next date. Why is this one person's opinion so important? How much weight am I putting on what they think of me?

When you look at it closely, you realize a bad reaction is simply their reaction to herpes. It isn't their reaction to you. You are not your diagnosis.

When you're deeply attached to the stigma, it doesn't feel that way. If you believe you're dirty and gross, then someone recoiling feels like they're recoiling from your whole self. Now when someone reacts poorly, I just see a person who is disgusted by the topic of herpes. And that's okay, for two reasons:

• I don't have to date them. It wouldn't be a comfortable relationship anyway.
• I don't have to change their mind. They'll either keep that belief for the rest of their life, or something will happen one day that changes their perspective.

So let them believe what they believe. The irony is that the people most likely to end up with herpes are the ones who never think about it. That's how I got it. I didn't think about it, didn't know how it worked, and hadn't done any research. Almost nobody has.

You can't be judged for what isn't a failing

Getting over the fear of judgment comes from having nothing someone can judge you for. That doesn't mean being perfect. It means understanding the facts well enough that the judgment has nothing to hold onto.

That's the first step of my 3-step system, knowledge and stigma, and the big realization there is that the risk of herpes comes with dating, for everyone. Herpes usually isn't on a standard STI panel. You can have it with no symptoms. A cold sore is herpes. You can shed the virus without ever having symptoms. And almost nobody asks a new partner about their herpes status.

Put that together and something important follows. You didn't live some uniquely careless life. Someone trying to shame you with "you deserved this" is very likely living the same way you did. You can be careless or careful and still get herpes, and plenty of people have it without ever knowing. You just happen to be the one who knows.

What if people find out or spread rumors?

I'll use myself as the extreme example. Millions of people have watched my videos about having herpes. And honestly, nothing much has happened to me because of it.

You're probably not going to tell millions of people. You're going to have a conversation about sexual health with a few people you're dating. Becoming "the herpes guy" or losing out on a job isn't something that realistically follows from that.

We tend to believe we're the center of everyone's attention, and that our status is the most interesting thing anyone could know about us. It really isn't. People move on to the next piece of news fast.

The only way the fear of rumors carries real weight is if the diagnosis still holds power over you. Which brings you right back to the story you're telling yourself.

The cold sore test

Here's the thought that finally makes the whole fear look a bit ridiculous. Picture how little anyone cares about cold sores. If I started a YouTube channel about my life with cold sores, people would think it was the dumbest idea ever. Why would anyone make videos about that?

But a cold sore is herpes, usually HSV-1. The name mostly exists to cushion the blow. Genital herpes is the same family of virus in a different location, with a stigma that makes no sense, kept alive because most people have never looked into it. When you understand that, it's everyone else's freak-out that looks strange, not your diagnosis.

So ask yourself two questions. How are you really any different from someone who gets cold sores? And is your answer based on what society believes, which may be completely misunderstood, or on what you believe? What you believe matters more than what anybody else thinks, and it's the thing you walk into the conversation carrying.

Rewrite the story first, and the fear of their reaction mostly takes care of itself. That's the work I do one on one, and it's why the mindset comes before the words. For the facts that make the cold sore point click, read what to know before telling someone you have herpes.