Herpes dating apps get a bad rap from part of the herpes community. I understand why, and I still think they have a place.
About a month after my diagnosis, in October 2020, I signed up for PositiveSingles, a dating app for people with herpes and other STIs. I went on expecting nothing. I didn't find love on there. I found something I needed more at the time, and it's the reason I think these apps are worth a look for some people.
Prefer to watch? This guide is based on my video above.
Do herpes dating apps add to the stigma?
Some people don't like PositiveSingles, or any dating app built around STIs, because they feel it perpetuates the stigma. I see that train of thought. Making a separate app for people with STIs can make it look like they're a different group of people who should have their own app and stay there.
Does it add to the stigma? Maybe. But I also see the other side. Anything that helps people feel more comfortable dating again can only be a good thing in some situations, and I think there's a real benefit here.
Who herpes dating sites are actually for
No matter how much stigma battling we do, how much self-improvement, or how many people we try to convince that everything's going to be okay, some people will never feel comfortable enough to date again. Or they'll never feel comfortable dating someone who doesn't have herpes, at least as far as they know.
For those people, a herpes dating app might be where they find love they otherwise wouldn't have had access to. That alone justifies it existing.
It's also for people who are too scared to date on regular apps right now, or too afraid of disclosure. Those fears are real, especially early on, and they're usually the first hurdle after a diagnosis.
What I found on PositiveSingles
Here's what happened. I scrolled down and saw two women I already knew. People from my past. My first thought was, whoa, you're on here? You have this too?
They didn't seem like "the kind of people" who would have herpes, whatever that was supposed to mean. They didn't seem like they'd let it derail their lives. They seemed like they were doing fine. I messaged them and said, "Hey, I saw you on the same app. I think we have the same condition." They'd seen me on there too, and the first thing they asked was when I got diagnosed.
In those first weeks, that mattered more than any match would have. Someone I knew had this. I felt less alone, and I had people I could reach out to for support. It made something click for me: herpes doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter who you are, what you look like, your ethnicity, your gender or your sex life. It's a consequence of being a sexually active adult.
On the dating side, I didn't find anyone local or anyone I really connected with. I did run into a few people who follow my content, and I made a couple of good connections, more friendships than dates. I've also heard success stories from people who did find someone there. Full transparency: PositiveSingles is a partner of mine, which I said in the video too.
What to expect from a herpes dating app
- A free way to look around. When I joined, there was a free version and a paid version. I'd start with the free one and see what's there.
- The same mix as any app. You may find creeps, just like regular dating apps. You may find nothing, also just like regular dating apps.
- Maybe nobody close by. In my case, nobody I matched with was local.
- Community, not just dates. Recognizing someone, or just seeing how many normal people are on there, can make you feel a lot less alone.
- Still a conversation about sexual health. Two people on the same app don't necessarily have the same thing. Before things get physical, you still have that mutual conversation, because it's what two adults should be doing anyway.
Use it as a bridge, not a home
If you're wondering whether you'll ever date again, try it. Then, as your confidence grows, a herpes dating app can be the segue back into a regular dating life.
You don't have to stay in a herpes-only pool. Herpes might be the most important thing in my life, but it's the least important thing about me when I'm dating. I was dating again about two months after I was diagnosed, and the confidence from those first experiences carried forward. Once one person says yes, you know you can do it again.
It never hurts to try. Just know what you're trying it for. If the thing really holding you back is the fear of a no, read what rejection for having herpes actually looks like after a lot of people know.
Key takeaways
- Herpes dating apps may add to the stigma a little, but they give real value to people who aren't ready for regular apps.
- The biggest thing one gave me early on was feeling less alone, not a date.
- Expect the same mix as any dating app: good people, some creeps, and sometimes nobody nearby.
- You still have a mutual conversation about sexual health before things get physical.
- Use a herpes dating app as a bridge back into regular dating, not a place you have to stay.
Common questions
Are herpes dating sites worth it?
They can be, especially if you're not ready to date on regular apps yet. Go in without big expectations. I didn't find love on one, but I found support and a couple of good connections.
Do herpes dating apps make the stigma worse?
Maybe a little, because a separate app can make it look like people with herpes are a separate group. But for people who would never date otherwise, it's a place to find love they might not have found.
Can you find love on a herpes dating app?
Some people do. I've heard success stories, even though it didn't happen for me.
Should I only date people who also have herpes?
You don't have to. A herpes dating app can be a good place to build confidence, but you can date anyone you connect with, as long as you have a conversation about sexual health before things get physical.